Time does not heal all wounds

Now that a few days has passed (or is past) I feel angry about this whole prolpase issue.  Not only have I been in pain since the exam and more so since I went for a short run, but I feel like perhaps I could have prevented the whole thing.

Many times over my pregnancy I told the midwife I was severely constipated–which is one of the main ways to develop this type of prolapse.  I wonder if she would have been more aggressive in her treatment if I would have done anything different?  I also complained about pelvic pressure–something I am sure she hears about with each and every pregnancy–but, this felt different.  Could I have been more clear perhaps…

I am sure that anyone who is diagnosed with something that impairs their life goes through these same feelings.  I know that I am not alone in feeling angry.

I also feel guilty.  Guilty for not being more diligent about my wheat intolerance–the main cause of my constipation.  If I wouldn’t have been so glutinous and greedy about what I ate–perhaps I wouldn’t be in this mess.

I feel guilty about not wanting to have sex–because I know it is going to hurt.  I feel horrible for not wanting sex.  I feel bad for my husband.  I feel selfish.

So, there you have it.  All my vulnerabilities out on the internet.  I don’t even feel better.

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Wheat Intolerance

I subject myself to torture.

On purpose.
Every few days.
It could easily be avoided, but I lack the self control to get a handle on it.
I have a wheat intolerance that causes severe abdominal cramps, pain that causes me to double over, and gas. Oh, and if that wasn’t enough add in chronic constipation, heartburn, and bloating. Couple these with pregnancy and you have a recipe for a very grumpy human being.
Yet I still eat wheat knowing full well that I will be in pain as soon as the food hits my lower intestines. I suspect that because the reaction is delayed that I tend to ‘overlook’ it in favor of the instant gratification of the flavor on my tongue. I have compared my ‘problem’ to drinking too much, having a horrible hangover the next day, swearing you will never drink again, and then doing it all over-again and again. The cycle of self-abuse (is there such a thing?).
The short story is that I have always had digestive issues. Since I was in grade school, I have suffered from unexplained tummy aches, constipation, and overall intestinal distress. When I started college however is when it really seemed to spike out of control–I was often in constant pain.
I saw a doctor on campus who said I had IBS, and put me on meds to help regulate the peristalsis of my intestines. It helped with the constipation, but not the with the pain or other symptoms.
Then, about 4 years ago, I met Elizabeth. We were coworkers and friends and she convinced me to try giving up gluten. I gave it a try and after just 4 days I was totally pain free. After having abdominal pain most days for decades I couldn’t believe how great I felt. I remember it like it was yesterday–feeling healthy and pain free for the first time.
So, why do I still eat wheat products–here are a few examples: bread, rolls, pasta, pastries, bagels, crackers, cookies, cake, baked goods, brownies (my personal favorite), Golden Grahams cereal, graham crackers, most cereals and cereal bars, soy sauce, pita bread, couscous, licorice, many candy bars and some ice cream…wheat flour is in practically every prepared food on the market.
I cook at home with frequency which helps to curb my appetite for these forbidden things. But, what about when I travel, or when I am not at home, or when we eat at someone else’s home? Yes, I need to plan more. Yes, I need to have more self control. Yes, I need to be more prepared when I leave the house to resist the temptation.
But what I really want right now is for my tummy to stop hurting from the french roll I ate at lunch.
If you are curious about wheat or gluten intolerance, or want to find some great wheat and gluten free recipes look here, and here.