I was on a call with my boss in Texas today, and he put me on speaker phone. I assume because he needed his hands to type, or do something else. Good business etiquette would say that when someone puts you on speaker phone, if there are others in the room-they alert you to their presence.

Well, I was having a frustrating morning-too tight of a training schedule, complications with a clients install, and DST effecting other users acceptance of my meetings. And I was sharing the details with him. He asked me to perform a task which I thought was redundant and too time consuming for the limited time I had allotted this AM, so I hesitated and then responded by saying so. He explained his position, and I accepted. I also proceeded to explain my schedule for this morning, and the rest of the day to him so he knew where I was coming from.

Then in the back ground I hear one of the owners pipe up!!! Here I am talking away the to my boss, who i have a more casual relationship with than the owner… sharing things I wouldn’t normally want the owner to know. Grrrr. It made me very frustrated. Not only did it make me feel silly, but angry.

Now, Jeff would say that anger is a secondary emotion and that I need to get to the heart of the anger–to the real emotion.

The real emotion feels like betrayal. My boss wants me to be forthcoming with him, and appreciates the amount of honesty we have. However, if you truly appreciated that you wouldn’t put me in a position to regret being honest with you by allowing the owner to observe our interaction. And then call me after to say you noticed that I was upset when we spoke earlier.

I feel like I have 2 options–confront him about my feelings of betrayal based on the fact that we have a less professional relationship and therefore can be more honest with one another. Or, take our relationship back to a more professional one, removing some of the inherent trust that was present before.

Neither sound good right now. I am going to sit on it for a while, and let it marinate just in case I am acting overly emotional. The last thing i need is to act more the fool. Thoughts or suggestions are welcome.

When I visited my little sister over the holidays, I noticed that she had some grey hairs. My sister has long, gorgeous auburn hair. Straight like a horses tail and just at thick. Her hair was the envy of many women.

We laughed a little about the grey streaks coming through, and she didn’t seem to be fazed by it.

I have been thinking to myself, how lucky I am to have eluded the family trend. I checked my scalp many times since December, and haven’t found any grey yet. I internally gloated to myself that I must be healthier and that was the reason I was spared the grey.

But, alas…I went to my hair appointment on Friday eve, and asked my trusted gal if she noticed any grey hairs as she was cutting and dying my mane. She said she saw two. I laughed out loud. But, inside my sibling rivalry kicked in and I was shocked back into my submission that my 32.7 years have in fact resulted in the typical grey hairs.

I read about 15-20 blogs on a regular basis. Included in this list of reading is one of my good friends (private) blog. I am here to tell you that her most recent post was awesome. At first, when I noticed that it was a pasted article I was like…sheesh you could have just posted the link, then I realized that not very often do people click on links that get forwarded, and by the time they do often times the link is a dead end or the article is gone (new york times articles for example). And being one of those people who typically wont click on links…I re-considered my snap and hasty judgement and read the article.

Wow, what a great article! The article in summary talks about ‘The Inverse Power of Praise’. This researcher and her team did a study of 5th graders (among other ages) that looked at 2 groups of kids. One group was praised for their intelligence and the other was praised based on their efforts. They determined that the group praised on efforts– tried harder, took risks more often (even when failure was an option), and as a result succeeded more often than the group who was praised for their intelligence. Their summary was this– “Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control. They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure.” Moreover, they go on to say that even more effective is specific praise based on efforts. This specific praise regarding efforts helps the child come up with creative problem solving scenarios of their own, and are more successful in their attempts as a result.

This discovery basically slaps my current way of thinking in the face. It reminds me also that children need honestly and positive feedback the same way adults do. They are thinking beings, that are developing coping strategies and devising problem solving tactics at an early age.

All things about science and psychology aside, the article made me think about the kind of parent and person I want to be, and the words I currently use to talk to people, and that I really need to think about a words intended meaning AND how those words are being received (not only how I mean for them to be received).

It also reminded me that kids are not oblivious to the idea of intent, manipulation and coercion in our language, and of its use by adults to get what they want. It also makes me wonder how our parents raised us, and what types of language they used.

It made me think a lot, which I am very pleased about! Thank you anonymous blog posting friend! You can also find the link below–for as long as it lasts… http://www.nymag.com/news/features/27840/index.html

I broke a cardinal rule of trust. I shared something on my blog that my husband didn’t know about me, something personal. A word to the not-so-wise (because if you were wise, you wouldn’t have done this)…before you post something for every stranger on the web to read-share it with your husband first. That way when your husband finally decides to read your blog (for the first time, the first post ever), that this bit of new information isn’t the shock of all shocks. And you don’t hurt his feelings.

I think that in all the time I have known my husband this may be the first time he has ever been mad at me first. Now, he wasn’t mad for long because his personality doesn’t allow it, he is too good natured and just overall a wonderful human being to stay mad for long. I was thinking about what a great person I think he is today and how lucky our son is to have a dad like him-talented beyond belief (piano, guitar, singer-song writer, ukulele, producer, movie maker), smart, funny, easy to get along with, handsome, a great role model, and a hard working…I got choked up.

How could I have made such a silly mistake. I wasn’t thinking, and I am inherently selfish. I am sorry.

I went out to dinner with my husband on Friday and we got into one of our ‘serious’ conversations. It started with me talking about one of the blogs I read daily (I read 10 or more every day). I was telling him how raw some of these women writers are. He knows that I have started a blog, but I have asked him not to read it. I am still embarrassed about my writing and about sharing. I have always been the type who lies and doesn’t share my deepest darkest feelings to my journal for fear that someone is going to read it and know how I really feel about something (or worse about someone). It isn’t so much that I am afraid of my own feelings, but I want to be able to share them at my leisure. I want to be in control of them, and of when and to who I share. I always want to be in control.

So, of course, my husband knows this about me (he is very sensitive and intuitive) and was encouraging me to be honest with my writing and to perhaps use it as a kind of therapy. He thinks that if I write my stories and experiences that I will be able to purge my soul of some of its burdens. He also thinks that often times great writing is about more than a creative style. He said that when you write what is in your heart and soul that it will come out in your words, and that often times simplicity is the best form of writing.

He also wants me to write more honestly. So, going forward I am going to start sharing some of my experiences and my real feelings about things.

Are you ready? Shit (lets be real here) am i ready?

I am exhausted. I don’t know if this is the result of boredom or from actually being tired. I wake in the AM full of energy. Then I sit at my desk all day, and browse the web, read blogs, and just kill time.

I am zapped.

I attended a Buddhist meeting yesterday to ring in the New Year. This is my second meeting, and while this particular meeting wasn’t great, I like the practice behind the practice.

What I take from Buddhism is that it followers are all looking for a way to be happier and more at peace with themselves, and those around them. To achieve this happiness, you state your wishes, desires, hopes and wants in writing. Then you chant about them. In my logical mind this works for 2 reasons-people who write their goals down, have an increased likelihood of achieving them simply because they wrote them down. And second because it keeps things in perspective and at the forefront of your mind. I like both ideas. I don’t know about chanting yet, but I think I might give it a try.

So, as such I came up with 3 goals for 2007 that I would like to achieve:

1. Be happy with what I have.
2. Accept that I do not ‘need’ to buy more to be happy, that what I have is enough.
3. Create my own happiness bubble. Don’t let others affect my inner happiness.

Hmm, I probably should have taken #1 to the mall with me yesterday.

Ahh, the holiday season–such a happy, generous time of year. I am looking forward to making the 3 hour trek (without traffic) this evening up I5 to our families home town.

We shall return on Tuesday. Until then, have a happy and safe holiday.