20 week check up

I feel depressed and ugly.
I feel like shit about myself.
And my self esteem is in the toilet.
Yesterday was my 20 week appointment, and instead of being excited about my baby being healthy and hearing his heartbeat. I feel this way instead. I am selfish and self-absorbed.
The nurse who weighed me wrote my weight down as 10 pounds less than it actually was. I asked the midwife, and she was like, oh I thought you lost a pound. I said, crap…that means I actually gained 9 pounds, and she was like, uh-huh.
Granted, I weighed in on a different scale than I have been. And i had just eaten at Soup Plantation. But, come on… I thought I was eating well, with some small exceptions.
Except that my clothes are all fitting tight, especially in the legs and bum. Not in the belly where the weight should be accumulating.
I feel especially self conscious because I am close friends with 2 prego gals who both look great. And when I go to my Stroller Strides group, there are 3 more prego gals who look awesome. And then all of the postpartum moms who have rockin bods…
Ok, my bitch fest is over. Now, I am off to work out and hopefully feel better.
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Body Image Issues– rediscovered

I have spent my entire life trying to manage my weight.  Diet drugs when I was younger, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, exercise, and fad diets.  It wasn’t until shortly before I was pregnant with Elliott that I learned how much food and how much exercise I needed to maintain my ideal weight.  I was finally free of the emotional/boredom eating roller coaster.  

When I got pregnant with Elliott I had morning sickness BAD.  Except that unlike most folks where nausea makes them avoid food–it did the opposite for me.  I ate as if every meal was my last.  I also felt hungry more often than before and I felt like a bottomless pit-never satiated. Food was constantly on my mind and I while I felt guilty for indulging, I also couldn’t help myself.  
When I got married in 2005, I was at my heaviest weight to date–185 lbs approx.  I was also running with frequency, going to a personal trainer 3 mornings a week, but eating out most nights and consuming a fair amount of alcoholic beverages.  When I found out I was pregnant with Elliott 1.5 years later I was down to 165lbs.  It was my lowest *natural weight since High School.  And I say *natural because during the fen-phen (or was it phen-fen?) glory days, I was down to 145lbs.  But, that was drug induced.
After 9 months of pregnancy bliss, I had gained about 55 lbs.  I cant even write the number it is so embarrassing for me.  But, you are smart, do the math.  When I left the hospital after my C-Section, and delivering an 8 lb baby–I had only lost 6 lbs.  I was hugely bloated and swollen. 
Over the next several months to a year, I lost all the weight I had gained and then some.  I was down to a very happy 155 lbs.  I suspect that anxiety, breastfeeding, and a new lifestyle helped me shed all my pregnancy weight.  
I was able to keep it off for a bit, but when I lost my job in November and then the holidays came around…well, I gained a few pounds back–6 or so.  Then over the next few months I gained a couple more as I adjusted to being home full time.  And well, then I discovered I was pregnant again.   Which is ironic since I was exactly the same weight that I was when I got pregnant the first time.
You may be wondering why I just disclosed my weight loss and gain yo-yo.  You may be thinking, isn’t this type of thing you are supposed to keep to yourself?  Well, I want to be up front (mostly to myself and so when I look back I have it in writing) about the fact that I am likely going to gain a substantial amount of weight while pregnant.  But, hopefully, I will again be able to lose it like I did the first time around.  This is my mental prep for coming to terms with my new body.
I have already gained 5 lbs and I am only 11 weeks.  I am listening to my body, and it is saying I am hungry–so I eat.  The kicker is that I am choosing foods that are not the best for my body or my growing baby.  I know this in my head, but I cant reason with my hormones–they always win.  
And so it begins again…the power struggle.  The best thing for me to do is just let go and hope that it turns out the way it should.  Wish me luck.  
**the photo is at 11 weeks pregnant