neurotic

11 weeks pregnant

| thedarwinsgirl

For the first time yesterday in over 5 weeks, I went an entire day without feeling terrible.  Beginning on day one of week 6, and continuing for 3 solid weeks I was sick day and night.  Then, it began to subside starting in the morning.  Over the next few weeks I would start getting sick later and later in the day.  I don’t think the pregnancy sickness is gone for good, but i was relieved to have a day off.

On Monday, I have my Nuchal Translucency Screening Ultrasound.  Each time I go in for an appointment, I am super nervous.  SO much so, that I can’t bring myself to look at the screen until she confirms that she sees the babe’s heartbeat.  I have noticed that my blood pressure is higher than it normally is, each time I go in for an appointment.  Will this anxiety ever end?

My body is starting to kick into high gear also.  In perfect time with the pregnancy sickness respite, the constipation and heartburn started this morning.  My belly is starting to pop out, although it has been working its way out since week 9.  The first couple of weeks though, the protruding layer of belly pudge was all that was there.  It is starting to firm up, and feel more solid.

I took a leap of faith after my last doc appointment and allowed myself to unpack my maternity clothes.  I was desperate for maternity underwear.  One of the difficult parts from the miscarriage last year was packing up my maternity clothes (that I had just pulled out of the garage).  It is an odd thing to be pregnant one day, and not pregnant the next…with nothing to show for it.

I having also been paying keen attention to my body and being hyper critical of every symptom.  Every time my stomach hurts, probably from eating wheat, I look for spotting and worry that I am going to miscarry.  I analyze my stomach size and firmness daily.  I check to be certain my breast are still sore and tender.  I don’t want to be blindsided again.  As if you can ever be prepared for a loss…

The boys are excited about the baby.  Elliott is especially so.  He will randomly look at my belly, and say “baby!”  Whenever he talks about the baby, he prefaces it with, “when the baby comes out of your vagina.”    Spencer is more aloof about it.  He doesn’t realize how it will change his life yet.

We have told most of our family.  And for whatever reason, be it our own calmness or their true feelings, they seem happier for us this time around.  Which is a welcome relief.

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My crazy pregnant brain

| thedarwinsgirl

I have lost my rational mind.  I have convinced myself that this pregnancy is ectopic.

Let me explain.  When I was ovulating last month, I could feel (for the first time I could recollect), which side I was ovulating from (right).  Then, a few times this week, whenever I get up quickly, or move fast–the right side of my abdomen hurts.  It feels like a tearing or ripping feeling inside my body.  It feels like a round or broad ligament pain would, if I were farther along.  So, when I consulted Dr. Google, the first thing to return is Ectopic Pregnancy.

Apparently, somewhere between 1 in 40 to 1 in 100 pregnancies are Ectopic.  And, if you have had a D&C, you are more likely.  Most are discovered somewhere between 5 and 7 weeks-either via Ultrasound or because they rupture.

I have been holding off on making my Midwife appt. out of some sort of denial and/or fear of eminent loss.  But, it seems that I can hold off no longer.  I need to put my mind to rest.

Update:
After letting this consume me and ruin my weekend, I reached out to a logical friend.  She reassured me that everything was fine.  And that it was likely to be ligament pain.  Nonetheless, I made my first pre-nantal appointment for Aug 20th.

Success

| thedarwinsgirl

I must be extremely fertile.  I am pregnant.  My cycles are only 26 days, so from when the ovulation stick turned positive on July 15th, until today it is only 11 days (DPO).

It took one month for us to get pregnant with Elliott, pregnancy #3 and this one.  With Spencer it took 11 months, but for several of those months I was waiting to regain a regular cycle ofter having my IUD removed.

I don’t feel the same level of anxiety or nervousness that I felt last year.  In fact, I feel serene and peaceful about the whole thing.  I took several tests yesterday that were positive (I know you can’t be kinda pregnant).  But, I needed the certainly of the digital test to ease my mind and be certain my eyes weren’t creating something that wasn’t there.
I wonder if my nervousness is tempered by the idea that I could miscarry.  Perhaps it is an emotionally protective measure to prevent me from being too excited in the wake of loss?  I like to think that I have matured and that I am not as neurotic as I once was (yes, I took 5 pregnancy tests in 24 hours).  I also feel like we are more ready to welcome a 3rd child into our family.  

Success or failure?

| thedarwinsgirl

Since giving birth to Spencer (11-2009), I haven’t been using a formal birth control method.  We have prevented pregnancy using condoms and other means.  And, then last year, we decided to try for another baby-it didn’t take much trying.  We had sex once, and viola-I was pregnant.  In the months between Spencer’s birth and now, I started to experience menstrual migraines.  The migraines did not occur every cycle, mostly every 3rd or 4th cycle.  But, when they occurred, it was always on the morning before my period.  I typically would wake with one.  They are debilitating.  I can not function.  I usually end up vomiting.  Hubby is forced to stay home from work.  


We decided that after the miscarriage that we were going to be done having kids.  2 adorable boys was enough for us.  I was trying my hardest to accept this.  I quit doing Stroller Strides, I started to give away all my baby gear and clothes.  I felt satisfied and happy.  I was doing my best to live each day and appreciate my family.  


The migraines coupled with my attempt to put my childbearing years behind me… I decided to get a Mirena IUD.  From memory, I never had migraines until I was unprotected by birth control. My logic was that the birth control hormones were helpful. I had an IUD after I had Elliott and loved it.  I had always had great luck with Depo Provera.  Though, all of the research indicates that birth control often causes the migraines–I read that to indicate birth control PILLS.  I was going to take my chances.


Man O’man the IUD insertion was painful.  She didn’t need to do anything special to insert the IUD since it was the last day of my period.  Apparently, during your menstrual cycle, your cervix is open slightly making the IUD insertion easier.  My cervix DID NOT like the sneak attack.  I cramped for 6 solid weeks, and had a ton of spotting.  Having the IUD was wonderful. I felt balanced and happy for the first time in a LONG time.  I loved the hormones that it supplied.  I gave me exactly what I needed to feel normal again.


Then one day, around 8 weeks ago, I decided I was ready to start trying again.  I gently broached the topic with my hubby.  He was luke warm about the idea.  I explained more about how I was feeling–the ‘incomplete’ feeling, the longing for another child, the way I see our family in 10 years, etc..  And he agreed!  I got the IUD out the next day.  It was the most expensive experiment ever ($1300 for the IUD and insertion).  


This is our first month trying.  And, since I am not getting any younger (I will be 38 next month!), I have been going crazy neurotic with ovulation tests.  I have done all of the ‘right’ things this month.  We will see what happens–though it is not in my nature to be patient.  Somehow, when the pregnancy test is negative, it feels like I have failed in some way.  Let’s hope we succeed.  

The void

| thedarwinsgirl

I have, for the first time in 5 years, free time.  Both of my sons are sleeping soundly and consistently.  We are into a fun routine that includes pre-school, sports and swimming as well as play dates and downtime. 
They both are able to dress themselves (at their own speed), though they don’t!  They can vocalize their needs and often times help themselves.  And at the least, they can help me serve and prepare meals as I have put all of their dishes and cups at a height they can reach.
My wee lad is potty trained, and has recently started taking control of when he needs to use the toilet.  Which means, I don’t need to remind him as often.  He even takes his own pull-up off first thing in the morning! 
They can access all of their toys and games, some select art supplies and books and magazines.  The backyard is available to them.  They play together most of the time in harmony ( I should whisper this, lest I jinx it).
This has brought about some new feelings for me.  As a Mom, who doesn’t work outside of the home, I am not as depended on as I once was.  My older son will be starting Kindergarten in a few weeks, further freeing up my time.
I will soon have 3 short mornings a week where my younger son will be in pre-school and 5 days a week where my older son will be in school.  This is something I have looked forward to, however, now that it is upon me I am floundering.
What the hell am I going to do with all of this free time; all 12 hours a week?!?!  I will most certainly want to volunteer at my sons school.  I still love to exercise and workout.  I love reading.  But, I need a hobby.  Or two.
I want to love gardening.  But, honestly, I hate bugs and getting my hands dirty.  I also want to be more crafty-but whenever I am presented with free time, I never feel like crafting.  I also own a sewing machine and all of the sewing essentials.  But, again…i never sew. 
I have been reading a book, Women, Food and God.  It keeps saying that once we give up our obsession with dieting and food, that we can focus on the real problems in our lives.  She claims that if we focus on ourselves, that we will solve the emptiness that we so often fill with food. 
Perhaps if I had some hobbies that I loved I wouldn’t feel the need to fill my voids with food?

Let’s practice letting go, shall well?

| thedarwinsgirl

Weakness and vulnerability have never been easy for me. I have often been called fiercely independent. This has worked in my favor for most of life; having left home when I was 14 years old, a girl needs to be strong. When I met my husband we clicked partly because we are both extremely independent and strong willed.

The down side of being uber independent is that any perceived weakness feels like I am open to vulnerability and I get protective over that space. Being vulnerable for me has always been a perceived weakness. Can you see where this is going…? Upon meeting the hubby though, he convinced me that allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable opened you up to people. These here blog entries have allowed me to be emotionally vulnerable without feeling weak or defensive. They have also allowed me to become more in touch with my feelings and have an easier time identifying them and sharing them.

What I wasn’t prepared for however, was my third trimester of pregnancy. I am actually only 24 weeks along and technically at the tail end of my second trimester, but I feel huge and my mobility and energy is becoming more limited. This decrease is physical abilities is tough for me. I don’t remember feeling this way the first time around, perhaps because I was working, and not chasing after a 25 month old. We had both a housekeeper and a gardener and our financial resources we far superior to now so we were eating out with frequency.

Whatever the reason, I am very touchy and sensitive about ‘keeping it together’ and ‘getting everything done’. Basically, I need to still be able to ‘do it all’ or I start to feel weak. And the cascade of emotions that occur if I feel like I am slipping or anyone critiques (perceived or real) my abilities…well, it is all over.

So, in preparation for baby#2 I am going to again practice letting go. Letting go of control, letting go of my obsessive need for order and balance, and letting go of my wretched need to ‘do it all’. Like all things that involve me and control—the best of luck.

Dog gone crazy

| thedarwinsgirl

While we were on vacation we hired a dog sitter for a our dog and cat. We could kennel the dog, but then we would have to pay more, and inconvenience a friend to come over and look in on the cat. So, for less money for us and less stress for the animals we hire a dog sitter.

This gal has been dog sitting for us for a few years, she love dogs, and works full time at our local dog wash and pet store. She stays at the house most nights and works just a few blocks from our house.

There have been a few odd occurrences while she watched the house and the dog in the 3 plus years she has been here. Once the towel rack in the bathroom was broken. Another time the house was kinda messy when we returned. All simple manageable things.

This time she couldn’t get into the house, and we had to call a friend over to come and help her with the front door. Granted, we have an odd front door-that gives us issues occasionally. But, the most random thing that I discovered was that she tried on one of my dresses. You are probably wondering how I know, right? Well, let me expose how anal and neurotic I am about my clothes.

On Easter, I wore a floral dress to a party. All of my dresses are in the garage in a wardrobe. If you have been to our house, you will know that it is almost 100 years old, and the closets have not be renovated. And if you have been in an old house you might remember that closets are the size of match boxes. Ours is no exception. The only exception is that my husband has a lot of clothes too. So, we split the closet 50/50 and both store coats and dress clothes in our garage.

Back to the main topic. The dress was hanging in our room still, because I hadn’t found the inclination to walk it back outside to our detached garage, open 2 locks to get in there and hang it back up. When we returned from our trip, the dress was still hanging in the same place, but the zipper was down.

Now folks, I will say again how anal I am about my clothes. I always hang them the same direction, I fold them immediately to avoid wrinkles and I always zip them up. I rarely loan them out, and like to keep them clean and neat. So, I can only assume that she tried it on, and given her past behavior of leaving our house untidy, didn’t zip up the zipper.

All and all, not that big of a deal. The animals are happy, the house wasn’t robbed, nothing was stolen or damaged. But, to me…its a bit of an invasion of my privacy. What are your thoughts?

Order please

| thedarwinsgirl

When everything around me is in chaos, I organize. I try to perfect my immediate environment in hopes of gaining some sense of control and order. Hence the reasons I haven’t posted in several weeks.

Hubby has been sick for 2 plus weeks with a recently diagnosed sinus infection.
My sister came for the weekend to visit.
The holidays are here.
My training schedule at work doesn’t give me second to breathe, much less eat, pee or pump.
Holiday parties, events, secret santa…yes, you know the rest.

Hopefully after the holidays things will normalize, and I can relax. I have so many things to report about Elliott and about parenting.

Hair Loss??

| thedarwinsgirl

For those of you who know me well, you will know that I HATE stray hairs. I actually have somewhat of a neurotic aversion to hairs be it human or animal. And especially other peoples hairs.

A few weeks ago I noticed that I was shedding more than normal. When I would brush my hair clumps would fall out. I find it disgusting to have hairs on me, I cant brush my teeth in a sink with hair in it, and I gag if I have to clean the drain.

So, when I started losing my hair…I was dismayed and slightly creeped out. But, from my research it is perfectly normal for a woman to lose more hair after she is greater than 12 weeks postpartum.

But who is going to help me with my neurotic problem? More on my neurosis later.