Let’s practice letting go, shall well?

Weakness and vulnerability have never been easy for me. I have often been called fiercely independent. This has worked in my favor for most of life; having left home when I was 14 years old, a girl needs to be strong. When I met my husband we clicked partly because we are both extremely independent and strong willed.

The down side of being uber independent is that any perceived weakness feels like I am open to vulnerability and I get protective over that space. Being vulnerable for me has always been a perceived weakness. Can you see where this is going…? Upon meeting the hubby though, he convinced me that allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable opened you up to people. These here blog entries have allowed me to be emotionally vulnerable without feeling weak or defensive. They have also allowed me to become more in touch with my feelings and have an easier time identifying them and sharing them.

What I wasn’t prepared for however, was my third trimester of pregnancy. I am actually only 24 weeks along and technically at the tail end of my second trimester, but I feel huge and my mobility and energy is becoming more limited. This decrease is physical abilities is tough for me. I don’t remember feeling this way the first time around, perhaps because I was working, and not chasing after a 25 month old. We had both a housekeeper and a gardener and our financial resources we far superior to now so we were eating out with frequency.

Whatever the reason, I am very touchy and sensitive about ‘keeping it together’ and ‘getting everything done’. Basically, I need to still be able to ‘do it all’ or I start to feel weak. And the cascade of emotions that occur if I feel like I am slipping or anyone critiques (perceived or real) my abilities…well, it is all over.

So, in preparation for baby#2 I am going to again practice letting go. Letting go of control, letting go of my obsessive need for order and balance, and letting go of my wretched need to ‘do it all’. Like all things that involve me and control—the best of luck.

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Day 2

I thought last night would be as good as any to take my first dose of milk of magnesia since becoming pregnant. The recommended dose is 2-4 caplets at bed time with a full glass of water. I decided to take 3 just to be safe. Well, I awoke 3 times last night with severe cramps and a belly ache.

But, on target this morning the digestive track cleared all things…and then has keep clearing all day. I am also severely nauseated (which to me is the WORST feeling in the world-I would rather throw up 100 times than be nauseous) and cranky. I even had to cancel my lunch plans. I haven’t gone anywhere for fear of being too far from the restroom (and I feel like shit…how fitting). You would think that i would be grateful to have rid myself of this burden, but alas….I am an ungrateful wench, and wish it wouldn’t have come with a day of belly aching pain and suffering. Welcome to my negative side-where negativity, ungrateful behavior and bitterness prevail.

On a side note, I read last week about a voluntary recall of Thomas the Train toys My nephew is in love with Thomas and Friends, so I sent the info to my sister-in-law. Well, apparently it has become more serious. Click here for the NPR story.

Moving foward

I pondered and thought deeply about what my friends said, and I have decided that if I am perceived as negative, a downer and a complainer…well then so be it. I am not mad, or disappointed, or angry. I am thankful that they were able to be honest with me.

People make choices all the time about how they want to spend their time, and who they want to spend it with. If they choose to spend their time with me, well then, they are going to hear about my aches and pains. They are also going to hear about a lot of other really cool stuff. They can decide if it is worth their time to listen to a few complaints every so often. I am a constantly evolving person, I work hard to be aware of my shortcomings, and strive daily to become a better person. You take the good with the bad (as they say).

A large component of friendship is loving the other person unconditionally. This is a difficult concept for many people. To love a spouse or a family member like this is hard enough, but to love a friend like this is often impossible. As I get older, I find making friends increasingly more difficult, and dedicating and spending quality time with my close friends even harder. However, I value the friendships that I have, I work at making sure my friends know how much I value them, and I try to be a good friend in return. I try to love those that are part of my inner circle unconditionally. I hope that my friends will try to do the same for me. But, if they cant-I will forgive them for being unable to and hope that they can either move on, or love me the way I am.

Distorted Self Image

Last night my girlfriend and I went to the 20th Anniversary screening of Dirty Dancing. What a great time I had–the nostalgia, the romance, the ideology of that movie. **big SIGH** I never saw this movie on the Big Screen, so it was great to see Patrick Swayze’s tight butt, as large as my head, sashaying around in tight black pants, all the while shirtless. Thrills come easy for me these days.

On a different note, and I am going to write more about my discovery soon. I was informed by two people that I love and trust within 24 hours of one another that I am negative, and sometimes I am a downer to be around. Oh, and that I complain ALOT.

Now, I never thought about myself as negative (sarcastic-YES!). I categorized myself as vocal, but with a positive, proactive spin. And I do voice my woes outwardly (I am acutely sensitive to aches, pains, and bodily changes), yet they hardly ever prohibit me from living my life. They are more just out there, for people to know about. Not that anyone needs to do anything about them, or feel bad, or respond in some way.

I guess the part that is getting me, is that I never SAW myself this way. Over the last few days, I have been pondering these statements, thinking about my interactions and relationships with others, and thinking about typical responses…and I just don’t see it.

So, that could mean a few of things (let me know if I missed anything here):

  1. I am totally unaware of my actions and how they effect others
  2. I am disconnected from reality
  3. I have a distorted self image
  4. I am misunderstood
  5. These people are just wrong

For now, I am going to soak it in, think about it, ponder, and of course be terribly insecure about my friendships and the image I am portraying. I will keep you posted on my efforts, and my inner most findings. (heeelllllloooooooo–hopefully someone from inside my cavernous empty heart will respond, and it will have a positive spin).

Oh, one last thing…does sarcasm equate to negative? Cause if so, I can stop searching the pits of my being for other answers.