A boy with a smile always on his face. So easy going. My little dreamer. A joker who laughs easily and is impossible to be mad at.
But when he wants something he is very particular. He likes things orderly and his way. He wants to make his own choices. Stubborn and obstinate.
I love this gorgeous boy.
It is known around our house that my younger boy loves princesses, and both of my boys love dressing up. So when he came out of the bedroom head to toe in pink ruffles and heals it was no surprise to me.
The crown, the dress, tutu skirt, and shoes were adorable. But, the sword was out of place. So, I asked him what his plan was with the sword. He matter-of-factly responded with, “Mom, it’s not a sword” and then as if exasperated at having to explain such a simple concept to me, goes on to say “it’s a magic wand!”
Taken slightly aback, but not wanting to be bested by my 3 year old, I go on to ask my question again… “Son, what is your plan for your WAND?” With a wave of the wand, and flick of the wrist he explains “It’s for making rainbows!!!” and then struts off to do just that. Leaving the room to explode in shocked and adoring laughter.
At that moment, I could not love anyone more. I simply adore that boy.
Up until 2 weeks before I got pregnant I never wanted children. When I was younger I would tell people I didn’t want kids. I didn’t babysit. There weren’t many babies or small children around while I was growing up. With the exception of my cousin who was born when I was in my early 20’s all the other kids were my age.
When the hubby and I met I was still certain that I didn’t want kids. Then one day something inside of me changed. It was shortly after we got married that my inner clock started ticking. I tried to ignore it a first. But it wouldn’t be ignored.
After living together for several years, a good length engagement, and a wonderful year post marriage the hubby and I had a short, and I mean 5 minutes or less, conversation about if we should try and start a family.
2 short weeks later the pee stick said pregnant. I was in shock for my entire first trimester. I did not handle it well. We now have 2 awesome, gorgeous boys.
Most of my friends seem to be content and happy with one child. These days many folks start their families later. Some are less willing to give up their perceived freedom due to careers or simply the pragmatic choice of budgetary restraints and are therefore unable to stay home with their children and then, many people simply feel satisfied with one child (and some none) . Some decide on having two, but very few of our friends have decided that yet.
I am plagued.
I want a third child. Something in my heart is telling me that our family in not complete yet. There are so many reasons why a third baby would be impractical. We only live in a 2 bedroom house-1000 square feet people. 3 kids might put us over the edge financially. I might loose my mind with three kids. Where would the 3rd kiddo sit at our dinner table? Would we ever get invited anywhere again? When would we sleep again? Oh, and I would have to get pregnant again (I don’t love being pregnant, and my lady parts are still on the fritz).
There is also the global perspective and the planet to think of. It is really a good idea to populate our planet with more than ourselves as replacements? Am I being selfish wanting a third child when so many folks can’t even have one? Hubby has valid concerns too regarding how much time he would have to spend with each. Would he get the quality time with each of them that they needed? Would it be total chaos? Would we be able to give each of them the love that they needed. What would our house be like with 5 human beings living in it at all times. Plus a dog and a cat.
All things emotional and logical inside of me say yes.
The house logistics are simple. While I occasionally get depressed that our house is so small; most of the time I am content with our small, cozy quarters. I love the neighborhood, the centrality, and our yard. I know we could make it work. Moreover, I want to make it work. I like to be challenged. And living in this house is a challenge in terms of getting everything to fit. It forces me to think about things before I buy them. It also requires shared space which is a good lesson for everyone. It forces each person to respect the others space. Plus, we won’t live here forever, although the in-laws have lived in their home for 30-plus years. Hmm, we could always remodel-budget permitting.
We have the gear. I have the space in my vehicle. I know I have enough love (patience may be a bit short in the beginning and during the teenage years). I am not getting any younger and in many ways I want to be done with the childbearing part and move all my energy and focus to the childrearing phase.
I keep getting stuck in the comments of others. Am I crazy for wanting three? Will I put myself over the edge? Do I have the personality to handle three kids?
I still have plenty of time to ponder this idea since breastfeeding full time has warded off my period. But it is fun to think about. Unless we have a girl…then all bets are off.
What changes when you have a baby? A better question may be: What doesn’t change?
Please feel free to add on via the comments.
1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.
2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid.
3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.
4. You respect your body … finally.
5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.
6. You find that your baby’s pain feels much worse than your own.
7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.
8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.
9. Your heart breaks much more easily.
10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.
11. Every day is a surprise.
12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)
13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.
14. You become a morning person.
15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.
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I finished it this morning! What do you think!
I pondered and thought deeply about what my friends said, and I have decided that if I am perceived as negative, a downer and a complainer…well then so be it. I am not mad, or disappointed, or angry. I am thankful that they were able to be honest with me.
People make choices all the time about how they want to spend their time, and who they want to spend it with. If they choose to spend their time with me, well then, they are going to hear about my aches and pains. They are also going to hear about a lot of other really cool stuff. They can decide if it is worth their time to listen to a few complaints every so often. I am a constantly evolving person, I work hard to be aware of my shortcomings, and strive daily to become a better person. You take the good with the bad (as they say).
A large component of friendship is loving the other person unconditionally. This is a difficult concept for many people. To love a spouse or a family member like this is hard enough, but to love a friend like this is often impossible. As I get older, I find making friends increasingly more difficult, and dedicating and spending quality time with my close friends even harder. However, I value the friendships that I have, I work at making sure my friends know how much I value them, and I try to be a good friend in return. I try to love those that are part of my inner circle unconditionally. I hope that my friends will try to do the same for me. But, if they cant-I will forgive them for being unable to and hope that they can either move on, or love me the way I am.
Today, during a goodbye hug my mother-in-law said, “love you” into my ear. I was moved and a little shocked, I didn’t immediately reply with a “love you too”, but I did manage to say it. I felt uncomfortable saying it back though–which left me feeling bad. It is not that I don’t feel it but more because I think I have an inability to let people in and therefore have difficulty expressing vulnerability and reciprocating love. The fact is I do love Jeff’s parents. They are loving, respectful of our independence, and supportive. They don’t preach or offer unsolicited advice and are morally sound people. I enjoy spending time with them, talking with them, and going places with them. They are good parents and awesome Grandparents.
It has more to do with me. I don’t want to let too many people into my inner circle. I have trust issues when it comes to parents. Likely the result of my relationship with my mother (which is inconsistent at best) and the lack of relationship with any father. My mother certainly hasn’t set many examples of healthy and loving relationships (in any of her 6 or so marriages…not for lack of trying though).
I am trying to work on my ability (often times inability) to express love and affection. Jeff and I talk often about my emotional distance from people and the low level of affection I show. I am going to try and take some step towards opening up, attempting to be more affectionate and letting parental units in.
darwinsgirl 