Let’s practice letting go, shall well?

Weakness and vulnerability have never been easy for me. I have often been called fiercely independent. This has worked in my favor for most of life; having left home when I was 14 years old, a girl needs to be strong. When I met my husband we clicked partly because we are both extremely independent and strong willed.

The down side of being uber independent is that any perceived weakness feels like I am open to vulnerability and I get protective over that space. Being vulnerable for me has always been a perceived weakness. Can you see where this is going…? Upon meeting the hubby though, he convinced me that allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable opened you up to people. These here blog entries have allowed me to be emotionally vulnerable without feeling weak or defensive. They have also allowed me to become more in touch with my feelings and have an easier time identifying them and sharing them.

What I wasn’t prepared for however, was my third trimester of pregnancy. I am actually only 24 weeks along and technically at the tail end of my second trimester, but I feel huge and my mobility and energy is becoming more limited. This decrease is physical abilities is tough for me. I don’t remember feeling this way the first time around, perhaps because I was working, and not chasing after a 25 month old. We had both a housekeeper and a gardener and our financial resources we far superior to now so we were eating out with frequency.

Whatever the reason, I am very touchy and sensitive about ‘keeping it together’ and ‘getting everything done’. Basically, I need to still be able to ‘do it all’ or I start to feel weak. And the cascade of emotions that occur if I feel like I am slipping or anyone critiques (perceived or real) my abilities…well, it is all over.

So, in preparation for baby#2 I am going to again practice letting go. Letting go of control, letting go of my obsessive need for order and balance, and letting go of my wretched need to ‘do it all’. Like all things that involve me and control—the best of luck.

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I….

I saw this here and thought it would be fun to try.

I know – that I want to learn more
I believe –in myself and the innate goodness of others
I fought –to be unlike my family
I am angered –by irrational people and decisions
I love –my husband
I need –too much attention
I take –and don’t give often enough
I hear -what I want
I drink –too much coffee
I hate –this word
I use –too many natural resources
I want –to be thinner
I decided –a long time ago not to regret
I like –warm sunny days
I feel –lucky
I wear -sensible shoes
I left –home when I was 14
I do – stress too much over things I cant control
I hope –my son is healthy and happy
I dream –of his arrival
I drive –too fast
I listen –to whatever music my hubby plays
I type -as a preferred method of communication
I think –and rethink things before making decisions
I need –to learn to be more patient
I wish –i had a more honest, close relationship with my parents
I am –sensitive
I compensate – by avoidance
I regret –nothing
I care –about being understood
I should -eat better and exercise more
I am not always –at peace with myself or my decisions
I said –some things I wish I could take back
I wonder –about my future and what it holds
I changed –my mind about not wanting a family
I cry –when my feelings are hurt, or I feel taken advantage of
I am not –passive
I lose –my temper with our animals (too often)
I leave –things unsaid when they are too hard to say