I can rarely sit still. I have a hard time relaxing and just doing nothing. To me relaxation is something that I need to plan. I need to carve out time to do nothing–typically I have already thought of ideas about how I am going to spend my down time, and have a schedule for how long it will last, what types of relaxing events I intend to partake in, etc. If I have unscheduled downtime, I get bored and feel unproductive, and lazy.
To many people this way of relaxing is anything but. In fact it is often considered counter intuitive to what you would think of as downtime. I have a constant need to be busy, entertained, and stimulated. I often attribute this to being a cocaine baby (which I have no evidence as to if this is true or false, but it gives me a funny excuse for my neurotic behaviour) or to OCD (Which again I have no proof of, but like to deflect my craziness on something ‘out of my control’).
My relaxing (read: planned downtime) weekend without the hubby was peaceful, and I wasn’t lonely. Of course it goes without saying that I missed my husband, and longed for him to be home. But, moreover, I knew we both needed this little break, and it was enjoyable for both of us. I did feel and experience a few things that I want to share.
On Saturday morning, as I said in my previous post, I scheduled a coffee date and a massage. The 2 gals I met for coffee, are 2 of the best, most supportive, intelligent, wonderful women I know. I love being in their company and often feel lucky (and shocked) that they like me as much as I like them. I wonder sometimes (in my crazy brain) too, what they see in me (being as great as they are, and me just being me). I admire these gals for so many reasons. To name just a few-their honesty, humor, intelligence, commitment to their families, and overall amazing attitude about life’s speed bumps and obstacles. All in all, just good strong women, that I very much admire and look up to.
Anyway, I was sad that we only had a limited time to meet, but appreciative that we had anytime at all. I was also very much looking forward to my massage, and a relaxing day. My massage was wonderful, as I expected. Several times during the massage, I had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude sweep over me. The kind that makes your brain tingle with recognition, and make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. I felt grateful for the massage-it was nice to have someone touch me in a sensual way, a way that is designed to elicit a positive response. But, I also felt grateful to have such a good life.
The rest of the day was equally relaxing. I didn’t have a game plan beyond the massage, which is rare for me. So, I forced myself to take advantage of the free time to catch up on some reading, and finished reading 2 books that I had previously started. I went to our local coffee house, and brought my bookclub with me. I spent a couple hours reading and sipping a half caff vanilla latte. It felt good to ‘do nothing”.
After that I walked around the hood, and purchased a few items for the many special events that are celebrated in our family in May (Birthday’s include-my Aunt, 3 nieces, and my sister in law, plus Mothers Day). Then I went home, and tooled around the house for a while. I wanted to go to the grocery store or to Costco, but I just didn’t have the energy.
Sunday, I slept in, and by our normal standards woke up late (8:00am). I did some filing, meet my girlfriend for breakfast, and then went to the Dinner Studio for the first time. The experience was interesting, and hopefully the food is good. I was the only customer for my time slot, so it felt like everyone was watching me, but all in all it was easy and fun. By the time I was done though, I was having a major hot flash (sweating like crazy, although it wasn’t more than 70 degrees) and was exhausted. I am starting to fatigue more easily, and that is confusing to me. I am used to be able to push myself and just get things done, even when I am tired.
My back was also starting to hurt (I have been super lucky so far, and haven’t been subject to many back aches or pains in that regard), but I was determined and desperate to make it to Whole Foods, since our cupboard is bare. I also keep getting these cramps in my stomach (mostly after a walk –if its at to fast of a pace). I don’t think they are BH because they last for a while and aren’t rhythmic (20 minutes or more, if I don’t rest), but they start to get draining after a while. So, I made it to Whole Foods, and spent the paycheck. Brought everything in, unloaded, put away, prepped a few things, cut some fruit, etc. By the end of the day, I was REALLY in pain. I was physically tired and aching. But I got it all done (almost). I finally had to talk myself into sitting down, and force myself to rest.
My point for recanting this whole story is two fold. First I need to realize and remember that I am creating a life inside of my body, and that along with being an amazingly wonderful process, it is also tiring. I need to listen to my body, and not get bossed around by my mind in these last few weeks. I feel like I have the energy to do all of these things, but I just don’t have the physical strength to get them all done. And the second reason is that I need to learn how to relax, and just let things go sometimes. I am not going to be able to get it all done (especially after the baby is here). I am reminded of this by friends, and family, and now my body is not so subtly reminding me.
I really need to listen more, and talk/write less.