feelings

38 weeks

| thedarwinsgirl
I will be 38 weeks tomorrow.  I had my OB appt. today, and she didn’t do an exam but could feel the babes head deep in my pelvis.  I have been having a lot of pelvic pressure, my hips are killing me, and sometimes it feels as it the babies head is rubbing directly on my pelvic bone. 

I have also been having a fair amount of BH contractions, and the last couple of days cramping in the lower part of my tummy.  Today is by far the worst day.  I can barely walk.

The worst though are the hemorrhoids.  I have an RX for proctofoam, which I have been using since last night, and my doc gave me some Lidocaine today.  It is painful enough at times to make me wish for a c-section.  The thought of them worsening during delivery, is giving me a tremendous amount of anxiety about my upcoming labor and delivery.

I want this baby out! And soon. My only options though are to wait…since I have had a C-section-induction isn’t an option due to the risks of uterine rupture.  She can strip my membranes but not until next week.  And, if I opt for a C-section, it wouldn’t occur until at least 39 weeks.

So, I will just watch and wait.

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11 weeks pregnant

| thedarwinsgirl

For the first time yesterday in over 5 weeks, I went an entire day without feeling terrible.  Beginning on day one of week 6, and continuing for 3 solid weeks I was sick day and night.  Then, it began to subside starting in the morning.  Over the next few weeks I would start getting sick later and later in the day.  I don’t think the pregnancy sickness is gone for good, but i was relieved to have a day off.

On Monday, I have my Nuchal Translucency Screening Ultrasound.  Each time I go in for an appointment, I am super nervous.  SO much so, that I can’t bring myself to look at the screen until she confirms that she sees the babe’s heartbeat.  I have noticed that my blood pressure is higher than it normally is, each time I go in for an appointment.  Will this anxiety ever end?

My body is starting to kick into high gear also.  In perfect time with the pregnancy sickness respite, the constipation and heartburn started this morning.  My belly is starting to pop out, although it has been working its way out since week 9.  The first couple of weeks though, the protruding layer of belly pudge was all that was there.  It is starting to firm up, and feel more solid.

I took a leap of faith after my last doc appointment and allowed myself to unpack my maternity clothes.  I was desperate for maternity underwear.  One of the difficult parts from the miscarriage last year was packing up my maternity clothes (that I had just pulled out of the garage).  It is an odd thing to be pregnant one day, and not pregnant the next…with nothing to show for it.

I having also been paying keen attention to my body and being hyper critical of every symptom.  Every time my stomach hurts, probably from eating wheat, I look for spotting and worry that I am going to miscarry.  I analyze my stomach size and firmness daily.  I check to be certain my breast are still sore and tender.  I don’t want to be blindsided again.  As if you can ever be prepared for a loss…

The boys are excited about the baby.  Elliott is especially so.  He will randomly look at my belly, and say “baby!”  Whenever he talks about the baby, he prefaces it with, “when the baby comes out of your vagina.”    Spencer is more aloof about it.  He doesn’t realize how it will change his life yet.

We have told most of our family.  And for whatever reason, be it our own calmness or their true feelings, they seem happier for us this time around.  Which is a welcome relief.

My crazy pregnant brain

| thedarwinsgirl

I have lost my rational mind.  I have convinced myself that this pregnancy is ectopic.

Let me explain.  When I was ovulating last month, I could feel (for the first time I could recollect), which side I was ovulating from (right).  Then, a few times this week, whenever I get up quickly, or move fast–the right side of my abdomen hurts.  It feels like a tearing or ripping feeling inside my body.  It feels like a round or broad ligament pain would, if I were farther along.  So, when I consulted Dr. Google, the first thing to return is Ectopic Pregnancy.

Apparently, somewhere between 1 in 40 to 1 in 100 pregnancies are Ectopic.  And, if you have had a D&C, you are more likely.  Most are discovered somewhere between 5 and 7 weeks-either via Ultrasound or because they rupture.

I have been holding off on making my Midwife appt. out of some sort of denial and/or fear of eminent loss.  But, it seems that I can hold off no longer.  I need to put my mind to rest.

Update:
After letting this consume me and ruin my weekend, I reached out to a logical friend.  She reassured me that everything was fine.  And that it was likely to be ligament pain.  Nonetheless, I made my first pre-nantal appointment for Aug 20th.

Getting back on my bike

| thedarwinsgirl

I am negligent.  I have been thinking of blogging.  Feeling guilty about it.  Writing down topics to discuss and share.  Yet, in the last 6 months so much has happened that I want to share.  Where do I begin?

I guess the first place to begin is the pregnancy.  And then the pregnancy loss.  The depression.  The weight gain.  The recovery.  And now the aftermath.

I will start there.

The time crunch

| thedarwinsgirl

My 37th Birthday is just around the corner, and I am starting to feel pressured for time.  And by time, I mean reproductive time.  We are always pushing the clock around here.  Go, go, go.

My hubby and I decided that a 3rd child was not in our cards right now.  And, I felt at peace with that decision for a while.  I even went so far as to give away all of my newborn clothes (with the caveat that they return them to me).  It felt liberating.  I felt like a giant weight was lifted of my shoulders.  I felt happy.  I felt at peace.

That lasted for a several months.  Now I am longing again to expand our family.  My reasons in favor are numerous.  I feel like I am capable of managing another child.  Every day I become more patient, and efficient and loving.  I love watching the kids grow and explore their worlds.  I get an endless amount of joy and satisfaction from watching the boys play together, work out their battles and conflicts for space and attention, and I love the relationship they are building with one another.  I also feel a small longing for a girl.  I can not imagine how it would change the way I parent or love a child, but I am curious to know.

I am also becoming more aware of the fleeting nature of my childrens youth.  They grow so quickly, and change in the blink of an eye.  I love being around toddlers.  They are so loving and energetic and flexible!  They accept guidance and redirection.  They rarely throw tantrums when given the proper options and time to make a decision.  With a 4 year old and a 20 month old-my toddlers days are coming to an end.  My older son will be in school next year and my younger son will be in preschool a couple of mornings a week. And, I can feel the stress associated with this end.  I do not want this time period to come to a close.

On the other side of the spectrum I do not long, in the slightest of ways, to be pregnant again.  I was sick for the first trimester, plus.  I was depressed for the second trimester and while I was happy and thrilled the third trimester – I was also exhausted!  Couple that with parenting 2 small kids and I wonder if another pregnancy will break me.  37 years old is not young any more.  In terms of child bearing, it is considered advanced maternal age.  There is more lab work, more tests to worry over, and more midwife care and worries.  There is also far less energy than, say, when I was 27!

That takes me to the sleep factor.  Oh, how I long for the ability to sleep and wake on my own schedule!  I am not sure why this matters so much now.  When I worked I woke on someone else’s schedule.  I have always been an early riser and I never was a late/long sleeper.  But, there is something about calling your own shots and not waking to the sound of crying that only you or your breast can soothe.  Then, there is the middle of the night waking that comes with a new babe.

The pain and recovery of the pregnancy and the birth.  Ouch.  The weight loss, the fitness level to be regained, the endless backaches, and the carrying and lifting of the babe for the first year plus.  There is a physicality to another child that scares me.  Is my body strong enough to endure that first year again!?!?!

But, even while looking over the pro’s and con’s, and notice there is nothing about my husband’s feelings or desires listed here!  I still feel like our family is incomplete.  Try as I might…my body is telling my mind to suck it up!  I am very logical and this is tearing me up inside.  The illogical (yet totally base) nature of physical desire mixed with reason and sensibility just doesn’t add up.

Coming around the bend

| thedarwinsgirl

I had a post sitting in my drafts for the last 2 months.  I wrote it whilst feeling very emotional and vulnerable.  I didn’t feel, at the time, that I should post it.  However, after reading it again I decided to go ahead.  My feelings at the time were real and therefore valid.  If you are a follower–you will see a new post with an old date.

Some days are still as frustrating as I earlier described.  However, many of the days are actually becoming enjoyable.  I attribute the change to a handful of things.

The first is that Elliott seems to be growing out of his defiant stage (I should say temporarily shelving as I expect it to show up again sooner rather than later).  He is becoming more aware of the daily expectations–get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast (sitting down), go to preschool or some other activity, etc. 

He is also working very hard at adjusting to life as a sibling.  He clearly likes Spencer, but still has a hard time sharing time and/or toys with him.  He also can scarcely contain his enthusiasm and sheer joy that comes from pushing him over, or angrily ripping a toy from him hands.  I suspect that Elliott is asserting himself over Spencer because Spenc is low man on the totem pole (so to speak).  As such, I have been working on navigating the two of them more carefully.  I have also been working on the language I use when correcting the other, making sure to say things to both Elliott AND Spencer.  That has helped facilitate their relationship with one another, and if I handle it correctly it should make them closer over the long haul. 

In addition to the normal growth that occurs when a sibling is added–I too, have been growing and adjusting.  I have always felt proud of the fact that I was very patient and took the time to explain things to my child.  And then there were two…and all patience went out the window.  I am slowly, day by day, regaining some of that patience.

As I slowly take back more of my body (less nursing on a daily basis) and I start to get more solid chunks of sleep I find that I am more patient and less irritable.  Both of these things attribute to a more patient and nurturing parent.

Lastly, I am learning more about redirecting my anger as well as my children’s.  I am also working on easing up on them–they ares still so little!  Elliott is 3 and 1/2 years old–but that is still small.  He needs reminders and more reminders.  He still needs me to swoop him up and kiss his owie.  He still lets me hold his hand when we cross the stress. 

And, these days I relish each opportunity.  I try and remind myself daily how lucky I am to be able to spend my days with my adorable boys.  Very lucky indeed. 

My wits end

| thedarwinsgirl

I can not deny that things have been difficult these last 2 weeks.  I don’t know if it’s any one thing independently, or the combination of many things…but, there has been a lot of yelling from Mama this past week.

The hubby has been stressed with changes afoot at work, then he was travelling, and now entertaining business associates.  Elliott has decided that it is perfectly acceptable to be contrary, condescending, ornery, and down right difficult in every single aspect of anything routine or mundane.  Spencer, well, he’s Spencer.  He is verbal, loud, and will not allow a single injustice to go unnoticed (I have no idea where he inherited that trait). 

Needless to say, I have firmly decided that 2 kids is enough, and often times over the last few days–TOO MANY. 

I am at my wits end for patience and loving responses.  Each time I pep talk myself into taking deep breaths and calming down, Elliott does something that causes my blood to boil and I loose my temper.  I am out of ideas for gentle discipline–he just laughs at me. 

I sound, and feel, pathetic and ineffective.

Confession of an angry Mom

| thedarwinsgirl

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away I had a problem with anger. I would get angry quick and unexpectedly. I would often over react and yell; many times saying things i regretted or didn’t mean. Yes, I know you are thinking that everyone does this occasionally. And, yes, I agree. But, it would happen to me frequently and the rage associated with it was so unexpected that I deemed it a problem.

I put an end to a few bad relationships, reassessed my self-worth and finished college. After college I sought to eliminate the anger. I bought a book about anger management and realized that anger was a secondary emotion. It was the reaction to feelings about something else. Hmm, for me, at the time, that was enlightening. I also determined that I had what was called sudden anger. I learned some techniques, including blogging as a way to share my feelings and sort out my thoughts. The anger subsided, and I became a calmer, happier person.

However, in the last few months it seems that the anger has crept back into my life. My once rational, calm, reasonable demeanor is now short tempered, hot headed and worse yet…irrational. Arrgghhh.

I have been thinking and analyzing the reasons for my feelings and the cause of my anger. I have come up with this. And like it or not, these are my feelings.

Most of the anger i have been feeling is towards my children. In particular my older child. He is a good, kind kid. But, I realized that I was taking him to seriously. Especially when he would tell me no, or say he didn’t like me, or just outright disobey something I asked him. Uh, hello, he is a 2 year old. Of course he is going to test his boundaries and limits. Especially with his new found confidence from swim lessons.

The thing that made me the most angry was when he would take a toy away from his younger brother or try to hurt him. I soon realized that the reason this made me so angry was because I was erroneously thinking he was doing it maliciously or on purpose. Of course, he is not even 3 years old and doesn’t yet have the ability to be mean like that. Once I was able to wrap my head around that, I stopped reacting so over the top.

I am glad that I took the time to look deeper into my actions and feelings and find a way to communicate with my children in a more effective and productive manner.

Where are we going, dear readers?

| thedarwinsgirl

My reasons for blogging have changed a lot over the last several years, and that has left me confused with where to take this blog.

I formerly shared deep, dark secrets and feelings knowing that no one was reading. And moreover, not really minding if people I knew were reading. However, more so lately, I have become more coveted about my inner most feelings. I often sit down to write and think about my readers (hi friends and family!), and how what I say could impact them. My former candor has taken a backseat to other peoples feelings and perceptions.
Now, this is a double edged sword. It is certainly a benefit for me to be thinking of other people’s feelings, when I so often have been tagged as selfish. On the other side, it limits the amount of freedom I have when it comes to raw self expression.
I also understand that not everything is designed to be shared, particularly on the world wide web. There is no privacy when you publish your inner most details on the Internet. There is occasionally, ever danger or risk.
However, I feel lonely not sharing my feelings…even if it is solely with the abyss that is the web and the few who dare to post comments. A determination has not been made on how to proceed. But, I will certainly continue to post updates and family details as they transpire, but the diary-like nature may change for the conservative.