bitter

38 weeks

| thedarwinsgirl
I will be 38 weeks tomorrow.  I had my OB appt. today, and she didn’t do an exam but could feel the babes head deep in my pelvis.  I have been having a lot of pelvic pressure, my hips are killing me, and sometimes it feels as it the babies head is rubbing directly on my pelvic bone. 

I have also been having a fair amount of BH contractions, and the last couple of days cramping in the lower part of my tummy.  Today is by far the worst day.  I can barely walk.

The worst though are the hemorrhoids.  I have an RX for proctofoam, which I have been using since last night, and my doc gave me some Lidocaine today.  It is painful enough at times to make me wish for a c-section.  The thought of them worsening during delivery, is giving me a tremendous amount of anxiety about my upcoming labor and delivery.

I want this baby out! And soon. My only options though are to wait…since I have had a C-section-induction isn’t an option due to the risks of uterine rupture.  She can strip my membranes but not until next week.  And, if I opt for a C-section, it wouldn’t occur until at least 39 weeks.

So, I will just watch and wait.

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My wits end

| thedarwinsgirl

I can not deny that things have been difficult these last 2 weeks.  I don’t know if it’s any one thing independently, or the combination of many things…but, there has been a lot of yelling from Mama this past week.

The hubby has been stressed with changes afoot at work, then he was travelling, and now entertaining business associates.  Elliott has decided that it is perfectly acceptable to be contrary, condescending, ornery, and down right difficult in every single aspect of anything routine or mundane.  Spencer, well, he’s Spencer.  He is verbal, loud, and will not allow a single injustice to go unnoticed (I have no idea where he inherited that trait). 

Needless to say, I have firmly decided that 2 kids is enough, and often times over the last few days–TOO MANY. 

I am at my wits end for patience and loving responses.  Each time I pep talk myself into taking deep breaths and calming down, Elliott does something that causes my blood to boil and I loose my temper.  I am out of ideas for gentle discipline–he just laughs at me. 

I sound, and feel, pathetic and ineffective.

Period.

| thedarwinsgirl

As many of you know, we are wanting another child.  **if this is already TMI–you are advised to stop reading now**  I had my IUD removed in April of last year, and after some waiting and regulating –I regained my period.  We have been without birth control from several months, and I havent conceived yet. 

With Elliott, I got pregnant the first month we tried.  Quite a shock, really.  We only talked about having a baby for a week or two, and the next thing we knew the pee stick was positive.  Talk about a shocker.

I thought that it would be easy to get pregnant again.  But, it has taken more time than I thought.  And, I have a hard time waiting for things, hate surprises, and want things to happen NOW.  So, you can imagine that my frustration level is high.  To make matters worse–my cycle is all out of whack.  This month I ovulated early, and got my period after only 21 days.  Darn you mother nature.
I have been exceptionally tired the last 2 or 3 nights.   And along with being impatient and tired–I am also a worrier.  Naturally I started wondering what could be wrong with me.  Did something happen during my C-section and now I am unable to conceive.  Of course, nothing is physically wrong with me, but I discovered something interesting.
You can break a woman’s menstrual cycle into 2 parts–the first part being different for all women. And, the second part beginning on the day of ovulation.  It is in this second half we are all similar. From the time you ovulate until you start you period is 12-16 days*.  This is according to the FAM method book I am re-reading (since I apparently didn’t read it thoroughly enough  the first time around).  
This is an awesome discovery for me, as it allows me to identify exactly when I will get my period each month so long as I track the day I ovulate (which also explains why my cycle is so short this month).  It will also tell me how many days each cycle will be.  You may be wondering why I don’t already know this being a mature woman of 34 (advanced maternal age in OB speak)!!!!  Well, since I have been on birth control my whole life; I never needed to track my cycle since it was chemically regulated.  
Lets hope that this awesome discovery will help me get knocked up this month!  Yeah for biology.
*as with all things in nature there are occasional exceptions

The tightrope

| thedarwinsgirl

I often feel bitter about the fact that women bear the brunt of the ‘burden’ of child rearing (please don’t read this as regret or anger towards my son or my decision to have children). From their conception, we as women are limited in our activities (food restrictions, medication, alcohol), our mobility (exercise, movement, sleep), our consumption, and our freedom. After the pregnancy, we are further tied to them via breastfeeding, diaper changes and the endless soothing and nurturing that is required. Later we are bound by morality and lessons, school schedules, and play dates.

In a moment of frustration and bitterness at my husbands freedom to do whatever he wanted (he spent the majority of the day on the computer working, and the evening watching baseball–although in all fairness he did take the dog to get washed), but get nothing done (I asked for a couple of simple tasks-my honey-do list was small and had carried over from several days ago). I asked him for one day to sit with me, and not move every time I had to breastfeed. I wanted him to know what it felt like to be constrained (perhaps he would be less frustrated when I asked him for something). He basically laughed in my face, and said no. Just as well. Who would get me water if he was tied to the couch too. But, then again who is going to get me water come Monday when he is back at work?

I do not want to imply that I these things aren’t done willingly or with love for my son. I just want to bring to light the great amount of sacrifice and selflessness that it takes to be a good mother. I wonder with all that we give up, why it is also accompanied by such vast amounts of guilt and grief.

Are we giving enough time to our child, did we handle that situation correctly, could I have done something different, given more, shown more patience, love, or guidance…The list is endless and the guilt never ending for some. It is a tight rope to walk, and unless we all find balance both in parenting and in our marriages, we are bound to fall.

Who gives to Mom’s? Who makes sure we are alright? Who nurtures us? Who takes care of us when we are sick, or sad, or lonely? I am working the details out now, and hopefully will be able to find my balance soon.

My first car

| thedarwinsgirl

When I was 20 I made one of my first big ticket purchases-all alone. I went to the Nissan Dealer and began looking around the lot for a car I could afford. I had never been car shopping before, and didn’t know how the process worked. I was excited and felt empowered to be there on my own, making a big decision.

I was approached by a blond guy, mid 20’s perhaps, friendly and smiling. We talked about budget, and what I could afford. I wasn’t the type of girl to hold things back, and was pretty outspoken for my 20 years. I had a steady job, and didn’t pay any rent so I could afford a few hundred a month for a car.

Not knowing any better, I settled on a test drive in a stripped down white 2 door Sentra. The exact order of events are not crystal clear to me, however what occurred and how I felt is clear.

The salesman flirted with me all the while we were on our test drive. He made suggestive comments. I felt somewhat flattered that a guy who was so cute was attracted to me. I also felt somewhat powerless to refute his advances. I was torn between being wanted and accepted, which I longed for desperately and standing my ground and risk pushing him away and feeling rejected.

I gave in. At some point in the test drive he asked me to pull over and we started to make out, kiss, then things progressed to him pushing me to go down on him, and then to sleeping together. It was dirty and totally unwanted.

We drive back to the car dealer, and I ended up leasing the car. I wanted to drive the car home (of course!) so the salesman had his girlfriend (!!!!) meet him at the dealer and we all drove back to my house and then they drove my traded in truck back to the dealer.

Out of curiosity, I called the dealer a few months later to see if the sales guy still worked there and I was informed that he didn’t. I asked why and he alluded to some sort of inappropriate interaction with a customer. I was glad that someone stood up for themselves. I don’t know what prompted my to call the dealer-perhaps if he still worked there-I would have told my story to someone. Perhaps not…

I am not sure why I decided to share this story first. Perhaps because I haven’t shared this experience with many people, or any that I can recollect. Perhaps the loss of power, the shame, or the embarrassment of being taken advantage was too raw and real for me to share. Perhaps sharing it would allow people to think of me as weak (the horror). Perhaps I just wanted to put it behind me. Whatever the reason-I feel good having put it out there.

I know that when I was in the situation-that it was wrong, it felt wrong and nothing about it felt right. Given my upbringing-I had a pretty liberal view of what was right and wrong-but I always stood by the saying that if it feels wrong-then it probably is. And this felt wrong. I wouldn’t call it rape or date rape since there was no physical force. It wasn’t assault-again no physical force. But for a young woman moved by acceptance and the desire to be wanted there was a strong emotional force to give this guy what he wanted. I thought that by giving in–I would gain acceptance and love (something that was clearly missing from my upbringing).

How do I –a woman carrying her first child –ensure that my offspring feel the love necessary to allow them to stand up for themselves. How do I ensure that they can say no when they clearly know that what they are doing is wrong. How do we instill the confidence in our children so they can say no without the fear of rejection. How do we teach them not to use sex to get love… or as power over other people.