11 weeks pregnant

For the first time yesterday in over 5 weeks, I went an entire day without feeling terrible.  Beginning on day one of week 6, and continuing for 3 solid weeks I was sick day and night.  Then, it began to subside starting in the morning.  Over the next few weeks I would start getting sick later and later in the day.  I don’t think the pregnancy sickness is gone for good, but i was relieved to have a day off.

On Monday, I have my Nuchal Translucency Screening Ultrasound.  Each time I go in for an appointment, I am super nervous.  SO much so, that I can’t bring myself to look at the screen until she confirms that she sees the babe’s heartbeat.  I have noticed that my blood pressure is higher than it normally is, each time I go in for an appointment.  Will this anxiety ever end?

My body is starting to kick into high gear also.  In perfect time with the pregnancy sickness respite, the constipation and heartburn started this morning.  My belly is starting to pop out, although it has been working its way out since week 9.  The first couple of weeks though, the protruding layer of belly pudge was all that was there.  It is starting to firm up, and feel more solid.

I took a leap of faith after my last doc appointment and allowed myself to unpack my maternity clothes.  I was desperate for maternity underwear.  One of the difficult parts from the miscarriage last year was packing up my maternity clothes (that I had just pulled out of the garage).  It is an odd thing to be pregnant one day, and not pregnant the next…with nothing to show for it.

I having also been paying keen attention to my body and being hyper critical of every symptom.  Every time my stomach hurts, probably from eating wheat, I look for spotting and worry that I am going to miscarry.  I analyze my stomach size and firmness daily.  I check to be certain my breast are still sore and tender.  I don’t want to be blindsided again.  As if you can ever be prepared for a loss…

The boys are excited about the baby.  Elliott is especially so.  He will randomly look at my belly, and say “baby!”  Whenever he talks about the baby, he prefaces it with, “when the baby comes out of your vagina.”    Spencer is more aloof about it.  He doesn’t realize how it will change his life yet.

We have told most of our family.  And for whatever reason, be it our own calmness or their true feelings, they seem happier for us this time around.  Which is a welcome relief.

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Dreadful

I had a dreadful time last night. We went home for the weekend to attend a friends wedding shower. We stayed overnight at the hostesses house, so that we could put Lil E to bed at his normal time, and then live it up like the grownups we are.

Sadly for me, I have finally succumb to illness. After fighting off several strains of cold, cough, and whatnot…I have finally come down with something terrible. Body aches, headache, sore throat, major chest congestion, coughing, shortness of breath, running/stuffed up nose…YUCK! All of this is bad timing for me, with all that is going on with my work life. Details on this later.

That wasn’t the dreadful part though, if you can imagine! There were about 60 people at this shindig, and thankfully I wasn’t the only one with a baby! For a while, I was the only one is my group of home town peeps that had a kid. Now, one of my girlfriends is preggers, and a few others are trying. Phew…it was getting lonely being surrounded by all these succesfull, professional, unencumbered chicks.

At this party there were 2 other babies. Both, upon arrival were sleeping. I had heard stories about a particluar baby who constantly cried and these parents who just didnt seem to get it. But I thought it was an exaggeration or girls just talking to talk. It wasn’t. This poor baby cried the entire time she was there-a good four plus hours. The parents seeming to be impervious to the cries-drinking and partying the night away.

It was certainly one of the most emotionally draining experiences I can remember. I can name 20 things (see below for a list) that I wanted to say and suggest to these new parents, none of which were positive and all unsolicited. It was so uncomfortable for me, that I had to leave the party, go upstairs and awake my son from a perfectly peaceful slumber and cuddle him, just so he knew how much I loved him. Then several times during the night, I awoke thinking about calling CPS on these folks. Not because the baby was crying. I understand that some babies are coliky and just cry. There was more to it than that.

I wonder in retrospect, what I could have or should have done. Is there still something to be done? Maybe I am just more sensitive because I am new Mom. Maybe there is more to their story that I dont know or understand. I am sure its a bit of everything, since life is never as easy as 1,2,3…

Too many questions and not enough answers. And worse is that there is no closure. Since I wasnt able to find my voice last night, I want to try and express it here:
1. your 5 month old daughter doesnt want or need to watch tv, expecially not COPS
2. your baby watches tv because you put her in front of it, she doesnt like it
3. She may be screaming beacuse she cant look away or close her eyes when she is over stimulated by it
4. put the drink down, and take care of your baby
5. pick her up, hold her-that flat spot on the back of her head needs a break
6. hold her close so she feels your warmth, so she is close to you and feels safe and loved
7. look for signs that she is overstimilated, and RESPOND
8. dont be so selfish, negligent and stupid (I cant help it…that is how I felt)
9. dont drink and drive (ever! but especiually) with your baby in the car
10. feed your baby-often
11. burp her
12. dont let your friends take pictures with their cell phones while she is screaming
13. Take her to a quiet, dark place to help her relax
14. Carry her in a sling, ergo, or carrier
15. When you are feeding her, craddle her close so she feels comfortable
16. When your baby cries for 4 plus hours straight know that it is stressful to those around you
17. Try and put her down for a nap when she needs it, not when it is conviennt for you
18. Perhaps try a pacifier
19. Your baby should come before you. Babies cant make decisions for themselves–we are all they have. They trust us to give them what they need.
20. look her in the eyes
21. talk to her
22. If your baby is crying for hours and hours straight, you may want to take your baby home.

The countdown has begun

Me and Hubby start our birth class tonight. I am a little nervous, not about the class content though. I am nervous because if we are starting the birth class, that means the birth is getting closer, and Elliott’s arrival is just that much more real! Up until this point, I realized his birth was eminent, but still far off. While he is safely nestled in my tummy, it is only partly real. I can still deny the fact that I am going to be a mother, that I am going to have a son. Once he is here, there is NO denying it. A mix of excitement and a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety. Whoo hoo for new things!!!

My hands must be broken

My husband says to me.

We were laying (or is it lying?) in bed this morning, snuggling, talking softly and just waiting to start our day. We were both lying on our sides, face to face, or more appropriately-belly to belly.

I have been saddened by the fact that hubby can rarely feel Elliott move. I feel like he is missing out on some of the action, missing part of the experience and the fun. I often place his hands on my belly hoping he will be able to feel the monstrous kicks and jabs. Other friends can easily feel him move, and I can often see him moving in my stomach.

This morning Elliott wasn’t terribly active, but he was tossing and turning (probably hungry for some chocolate soy milk). It was this morning (finally!) that hubby could feel him. It wasn’t with his hands though, it was while we were lying-bellzer to bellzer. Hubby could feel him with his belly.

So he says, Huh-my hands must be broken…because I can feel him with other body parts but not with my hands. Who woulda thunk?

6 month check up

I had my 6 month check up today. Well, actually 25 weeks and 1 day. I met with my new Nurse-Midwife, at UCSD. The appointment took over 2 and 1.2 hours! But, most of it was with the Admin gal who was still trying to learn their new software.

The appointment went well. I have gained too much overall weight, and got the talk again. It makes me feel guilty and like a bad person and mom-to-be. But, I feel pretty good, and all my tests are A-Ok. The baby seems to be doing fine, his heart rate is good and he is growing steadily. I am just hungry all of the time. I see women on the street who look like they haven’t gained a single pound of ‘maternal stores’, and just have a little basketball tummy. This is the maternal version of tits on sticks.

In 3 weeks I go back for the Glucose test, and more blood work. Then I start appointments every 2 weeks, rather than monthly!

Hubby gets worried about the weight gain too. I am sure he doesn’t want a fat wife and baby momma (although he would NEVER say anything like that to me). But, I can tell it bothers him. We have spoken about it several times already today.

Weekend Project

This weekends project was to make or buy curtains for our sons room. My girlfriend and I went to the fabric store, in hopes of finding some cute fabric. But we struck out. So, we decided to go to Target and look for pre-made curtains. We didn’t have any luck there either. On our way out, we swung by the baby isle (because these days I can’t go to any store without looking at all the baby items), and I saw package after package of adorable receiving blankets.

We measured the blankets, and decided they would make perfect curtains. We bought 3 packages, and got to work at the sewing machine. Well, actually Kristen did all of the sewing. I just came up with the idea and decided which ones to hang. But, between the two of us…we did a great job, and look how CUTE they are! Jeff was even impressed.

Kicking

My first flutter was felt at 16 weeks! I felt lucky to have felt it so early in my pregnancy. Over the past few weeks my boy has been moving around a lot, especially in the early evening hours! Sometimes, it’s like he is mad about being nestled in my womb, and he is kicking and punching his way around.

I want my hubby to be able to feel him kicking. I know that when he feels his first movement it will make it that much more real for us both. Hubby has started to talk to him through my belly, it is very endearing.

Last night, I had my hand on belly and was hoping to feel him kick with my hand based on the intensity that I could feel the kicks on the inside. And just as I was telling my husband that I didn’t think it was time yet…I felt him with my hand! I felt such a bond with him.

Hubby missed it, but now we know that there will be more to come shortly. I am going into my 23rd week! It is going so fast. I think I am at the stage where I don’t want it to ever end.

A realization alas!

I don’t immediately have a bond or attachment to my baby. I am intermittently excited and nervous. In fact sometimes I feel weird calling it ‘my’ baby. It sounds weird just yet. I feel somehow like I am not deserving of this wonderful being, like I am pretending to be someone else, a poser. Like I am not worthy of being a mother yet.

I am aware of my detachment and fear, and think about it often. Wondering if it some sign or glimpse into the future of the parent I will become. I worry about becoming a mother. Will I be able to stop being so selfish, so self absorbed…so me? Will my husband still have time for my needy nature when the baby comes, or will his emotional bank account be drained and empty? Will I be able to love unconditionally? Will I be able to let go of my own insecurity and fear of vulnerability to express my feelings and emotions to my child?

While I worry about these things, things that will in time become know to me. My belly is growing slowly, my love for my baby is slowing growing, and my attachment to this being inside of me slowly, cautiously moves forward. Still fearful that s/he could change its mind about me, bring all of my doubts to fruition, and cease to exist.

Perhaps I am afraid to love and lose. Ahh, a realization alas. For that I am grateful.