I have been thinking a lot about the last 2 months. How quickly they have passed, am I documenting them thoroughly enough, is his hitting all of the milestones. Elliott’s 2 month mark was this past Saturday. He is such a good baby. I feel very lucky that he is so easy, and doesn’t suffer from anything that would classify him as high needs.
I wonder though, if I am giving him the stimulus that he needs. I haven’t been the type of parent who is paranoid about every little thing, and I feel pretty lackadaisical about entertaining him. I feel like I have been pretty relaxed about most things.
I have to admit to a few neurotic actions though, or my hubby will call me out. In the beginning I was concerned that our cat would suffocate him. Our cat, Chloe, is new to us. We adopted her in February from the Humane Society, and since she is relatively new to our household, I was still a bit uncertain about her behaviour. And since Elliott cant move using his own volition, I thought it best to not allow the kitty to sleep in the same room with Elliott. My hubby thought I was nuts, but I think I was just being safe. The change came when one night, after a diaper change, I forgot to close the bedroom door and lock her out. She sleep at the foot of the bed, and didn’t suffocate the kiddo, and she has been allowed in the room since.
I also have gotten increasingly concerned about letting people hold him. When he was first born, I was ok with people holding him. Then, over the weeks, I think I became more protective over him…and now, I am very cautious about letting people holding him. Maybe because I have a fear of dropping him, I think that some one else will. I don’t know.
But, aside from these two things I think I am pretty chill as a new mom. I still check on him periodically, to make sure he is still breathing and alive. Being a mom, I of course, feel guilty that I might not be doing enough. Maybe I should be more concerned with his development, maybe I should read to him more, maybe I should take him less places and keep him safe and unexposed at home…the list goes on and on, as you might suspect. Just fill in the worry, and I have thought it.
I kept this back and forth banter up in my head. Its like a never ending ping pong game of guilt and trust. Similar to my vacillation during pregnancy and labor. It all comes back to having to trust my intuition, my gut instinct. I have to be OK raising my son in a way that is comfortable for me as a person, one that feels right, and is therefore natural. I know that when I listen to him, watch his reactions, sense his displeasure or contentment that as his Mom, I will know the right thing to do. It doesn’t always become obvious right away, that is certain. But, I feel like if I pay attention that it does become evident, for example, that something may not be right and a change needs to occur.
I hope that I can always be present with him. Even if I am not the type of Mom who keeps a baby book, or writes him monthly letters. I hope that he will always feel safe and secure, grow up to be confident and happy, and know how much I love him.