11 weeks pregnant

For the first time yesterday in over 5 weeks, I went an entire day without feeling terrible.  Beginning on day one of week 6, and continuing for 3 solid weeks I was sick day and night.  Then, it began to subside starting in the morning.  Over the next few weeks I would start getting sick later and later in the day.  I don’t think the pregnancy sickness is gone for good, but i was relieved to have a day off.

On Monday, I have my Nuchal Translucency Screening Ultrasound.  Each time I go in for an appointment, I am super nervous.  SO much so, that I can’t bring myself to look at the screen until she confirms that she sees the babe’s heartbeat.  I have noticed that my blood pressure is higher than it normally is, each time I go in for an appointment.  Will this anxiety ever end?

My body is starting to kick into high gear also.  In perfect time with the pregnancy sickness respite, the constipation and heartburn started this morning.  My belly is starting to pop out, although it has been working its way out since week 9.  The first couple of weeks though, the protruding layer of belly pudge was all that was there.  It is starting to firm up, and feel more solid.

I took a leap of faith after my last doc appointment and allowed myself to unpack my maternity clothes.  I was desperate for maternity underwear.  One of the difficult parts from the miscarriage last year was packing up my maternity clothes (that I had just pulled out of the garage).  It is an odd thing to be pregnant one day, and not pregnant the next…with nothing to show for it.

I having also been paying keen attention to my body and being hyper critical of every symptom.  Every time my stomach hurts, probably from eating wheat, I look for spotting and worry that I am going to miscarry.  I analyze my stomach size and firmness daily.  I check to be certain my breast are still sore and tender.  I don’t want to be blindsided again.  As if you can ever be prepared for a loss…

The boys are excited about the baby.  Elliott is especially so.  He will randomly look at my belly, and say “baby!”  Whenever he talks about the baby, he prefaces it with, “when the baby comes out of your vagina.”    Spencer is more aloof about it.  He doesn’t realize how it will change his life yet.

We have told most of our family.  And for whatever reason, be it our own calmness or their true feelings, they seem happier for us this time around.  Which is a welcome relief.


Body Image Issues– rediscovered

I have spent my entire life trying to manage my weight.  Diet drugs when I was younger, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, exercise, and fad diets.  It wasn’t until shortly before I was pregnant with Elliott that I learned how much food and how much exercise I needed to maintain my ideal weight.  I was finally free of the emotional/boredom eating roller coaster.  

When I got pregnant with Elliott I had morning sickness BAD.  Except that unlike most folks where nausea makes them avoid food–it did the opposite for me.  I ate as if every meal was my last.  I also felt hungry more often than before and I felt like a bottomless pit-never satiated. Food was constantly on my mind and I while I felt guilty for indulging, I also couldn’t help myself.  
When I got married in 2005, I was at my heaviest weight to date–185 lbs approx.  I was also running with frequency, going to a personal trainer 3 mornings a week, but eating out most nights and consuming a fair amount of alcoholic beverages.  When I found out I was pregnant with Elliott 1.5 years later I was down to 165lbs.  It was my lowest *natural weight since High School.  And I say *natural because during the fen-phen (or was it phen-fen?) glory days, I was down to 145lbs.  But, that was drug induced.
After 9 months of pregnancy bliss, I had gained about 55 lbs.  I cant even write the number it is so embarrassing for me.  But, you are smart, do the math.  When I left the hospital after my C-Section, and delivering an 8 lb baby–I had only lost 6 lbs.  I was hugely bloated and swollen. 
Over the next several months to a year, I lost all the weight I had gained and then some.  I was down to a very happy 155 lbs.  I suspect that anxiety, breastfeeding, and a new lifestyle helped me shed all my pregnancy weight.  
I was able to keep it off for a bit, but when I lost my job in November and then the holidays came around…well, I gained a few pounds back–6 or so.  Then over the next few months I gained a couple more as I adjusted to being home full time.  And well, then I discovered I was pregnant again.   Which is ironic since I was exactly the same weight that I was when I got pregnant the first time.
You may be wondering why I just disclosed my weight loss and gain yo-yo.  You may be thinking, isn’t this type of thing you are supposed to keep to yourself?  Well, I want to be up front (mostly to myself and so when I look back I have it in writing) about the fact that I am likely going to gain a substantial amount of weight while pregnant.  But, hopefully, I will again be able to lose it like I did the first time around.  This is my mental prep for coming to terms with my new body.
I have already gained 5 lbs and I am only 11 weeks.  I am listening to my body, and it is saying I am hungry–so I eat.  The kicker is that I am choosing foods that are not the best for my body or my growing baby.  I know this in my head, but I cant reason with my hormones–they always win.  
And so it begins again…the power struggle.  The best thing for me to do is just let go and hope that it turns out the way it should.  Wish me luck.  
**the photo is at 11 weeks pregnant