Adjusting to life at home

Since I was laid off from my job in November, I have been really struggling with my self worth.  I feel like I am not a valuable member of my household since I don’t get paid for what I do.  As if the simple act of getting a paycheck somehow validates me.  

I think and wonder if my contributions to my household (cleaning, shopping, cooking, yard work, budgeting) are worthy of my time and intellect.  I wonder if I am ‘wasting’ my degree and potential. By staying home am I setting the best example for my son both as a human being and as a woman.  Dont get me wrong, I love staying home with Elliott.  I adore the time I get to spend with him and being the person that gets to teach him the foundational and valuable life lessons.  
But, I get bored too.  I feel unfulfilled.  I feel like I am wasting my time and talent.  I feel lonely. I wonder if I am teaching Elliott the ‘right’ things and being a loving and patient Mom.
At the end of every day I have to feel proud of what I do (read and repeat, read and repeat) or else I feel worthless.  I am working on how to feel proud of this new path.   I am getting out of the house as often as possible.  I am taking time for me when I can.  I am giving myself time to adjust and accept.  I know that it takes a while to acclimate to anything new.  

Virtual Valentines Day

As you all know, we are on a tight budget since I was laid off in November.  We don’t typically celebrate these types of holidays with gifts or lavishness anyhow, but this year we decided on a very different kind of celebration.

We decided to exchange virtual gifts.  So, we would still shop just like we were really buying the other person something special, but money wasn’t an issue.  We would put it together with the same excitement of a real gift, and we would exchange them on V day.
My gift to my hubby was a new macbook, with pro-tools on it.  He liked it.
My hubby’s gift to me was this:

Happy Valentine’s 

Day 2009

To my wife  –

As we have decided to give virtual gifts this year, I have created you an electronic document that lists all of your gifts in sequential order.  Enjoy.

1.        Breakfast with Matthew – I thought it would be nice to have Matthew McConaughey make you breakfast since you like him and he would be fun to have breakfast with.

2.    Then, you would be escorted by limousine to Coronado for a spa treatment. FUN and UBER relaxing.

3.       Then, you would come back to the house and we would head out for a walk through Torrey Pines State Park with Elliott and Whiskey.  Since it’s virtual, dogs are now allowed at the State Park.  J

4.    We would probably be hungry.  Good thing…  because Colin Melloy will be at our house fixing lunch for you.  After lunch, you get a private acoustic performance in the living room and a kiss on the cheek from your “other” boyfriend.

5.       Then… it’s off to a $1000 shopping spree at Fashion Valley.  Elliott and I will follow you around in a shopping cart while you go crazy!

6.       I hope you worked up an appetite, because we are going to Bombay for dinner.  MMMM…  Delicious Dizzy Noo Shak!

7.       And when all is said and done… we put Elliott down and you get to snuggle up to me for some sweet lovin’ (pictures too graphic to post)!  What a great Valentine’s Day.  You must certainly love me!  Happy Virtual Valentines.  

       Now, is my husband awesome or what? 


A blip in the radar

If you missed me lately, it is because I was going through a short bout of depression.  There, I said it.  Depression.  Depression.  Depression.  I (reluctantly) admit to occasionally being powerless over my hormones and body chemistry.  

Every 12 or 18 months I go through a phase where I start feeling down, and then it seems to spiral into a mild depression.  This time happened to coincide with my period.  For those of you who are loyal followers of this humble blog, you will know that my period was not welcome this month.
So, there you have it.  I am back in the saddle again–blogging, actively participating in my life, parenting with love and vigor, and checking things off of my to-do list with fervor.
And I cant let the day go by without wishing my blogs namesake a Happy Birthday.

America’s Finest City

Dear City of San Diego (aka America’s Finest City),

I know that we are in a nationwide and perhaps even a worldwide recession.  I am also aware that the city’s income/revenue is down and tourist traffic is down.  I also know that you have had to layoff hundreds (thousands?) of valuable employees and that the city is facing a major budget shortfall.  I am also aware that our school lunch program is at risk because of the larger problems our state is having.  
While I am not unreasonable…I have to ask where the roads and public works projects rank on the list?  I value school lunches far more than our roads, but I have a larger more selfish problem right now, so indulge me.  
You see, I just spent $1300 on car repairs that all involved wear and tear related to the poor conditions of our roads.  Since I feel bitter (and a variety of other feelings not appropriate for this blog) about this, I feel the need to assign the blame to someone else.  And, lets face it–you are as good as anyone.
So, I ask you humbly, please make the repair of roads, potholes, freeways, and highways more of a priority.  Oh, and thank you for recently installing ramps at the corners of our streets.  

25 things, or how I over-think everything.

1. I have moved over 50 times. But, I have lived with my husband for the longest of any single place.

2. I never wanted kids until I met my husband. Something about finding my perfect companion changed my mind. I love being a Mom to my 19 month old son and now want 2 more children.

3. Breastfeeding my son for 15 months was the most rewarding, empowering, self sacrificing thing I have ever done.

4. I have a short attention span, and have trouble staying focused. I am easily distracted.

5. I never wonder what the future holds. I just trust that it will work out as it should. It always has.

6. I am extremely impatient. I have a hard time waiting for anything. Which makes #5 difficult.

7. I hate surprises and I hate being scared (think: Halloween). I don’t see scary or horror movies.

8. I only applied to one college and got accepted. I cried when I got my acceptance letter because I would so shocked and proud that I didn’t know how to process the overwhelming joy. I am the first person in my family to attend and graduate from a 4 year college. My niece is applying this year and my Grandmother went to Secretary School. 

9. I love the outdoors, but get very agitated when my hands or clothes are dirty.

10. I have never had a traffic ticket or a DUI. But, I have been pulled over more than 10 times.

11. When I was 14 years old, I ‘borrowed’ a car from a friend, who ‘borrowed’ the car for someone else. I kept the car for a month until a 3rd friend got it impounded.

12. My sister and I have a bond that I can not explain. No matter what she does, not matter what I do-and there has been A LOT-we will always be there for each other. No questions asked. 

13. I have dyed my hair since I was in 6th grade. But, 2 years ago I decided that I wasn’t going to subject myself to the patriarchy any longer and I stopped dying it. I feel better emotionally, but looked better before.

14. My brain is very literal. So, please, say exactly what you mean or I will misunderstand you. I don’t get jokes easily and I nit pick language and word choices. But, sarcasm I do understand.

15. A week before Thanksgiving 2008 I was laid off from my job. While I mourn the loss of my income, I love being at home.

16. I occasionally struggle with my self esteem. Some days I feel confident and attractive, some days not so much. But, what I have learned is that no matter how I feel the most important thing is how I act. 

17. My home and work area need to be clean and tidy. However, my car hasn’t been washed or vacuumed in months (perhaps years). 

18. I had a lovebird as a pet when I was in grade school named Peaches. I loved that bird to death. Literally. I was a negligent 8 year old pet owner and didn’t feed it often enough, and I suspect it died from starvation.

19. I follow 38 blogs and 27 people on Twitter. Yes, I need to get a life of my own.

20. I weigh myself –just about every day. Except when I know that I am gaining weight–and then I avoid the scale and go into denial. The denial stage is happening now.

21. I don’t mind sharing my experiences, feelings, or thoughts with people. But, I feel like my privacy is being invaded if people ask me direct questions about my feelings and I don’t know the answer.

22. Being a Mom has put me out of comfort level more times than I can possibly count–and my son is only 19 months old. 

23. I once interviewed for a job at a car wash and the interviewer asked me if I wanted to be his ‘assistant’. I asked what the job entailed and he said minor office responsibilities and sex with him a few times a week, but assured me it was a well paying position. I declined the job. 

24. I hitchhiked with another girlfriend to and from Santa Barbara when I was 14 years old.

25. I am very competitive, but don’t mind losing.