12 weeks and counting

Well everyone, I am officially 12 weeks pregnant!! I feel pretty good, and my belly is starting to pop out a little bit more. I really just look fat in my clothes. But, only the stomach part of my pants are feeling tight. I put on my first pair of elastic waisted beauties yesterday. What a hottie I am…

I haven’t really gained much weight, which is a relief. I was (and am) pretty concerned about gaining to much weight. To date, I have gained 4 pounds. My next doctors appointment isn’t until the end of January, and I will wait to see what they say about my progress before I start panicking and worrying myself into a frenzy.

The doctors appointment schedule got a little mixed up I think. I have been to 1 official appointment so far, and another one for the Ultrasound (which was just 1 week after the first one). So by the time I am 16 weeks I will have only seen the doctor 2 times, and for 1 Ultrasound. The next test due up is the AFP test. This is not a diagnostic test its a screening, and will only determine the possibility of birth defects. Like any test, they cant be certain, but they can give you an idea. We are going to take the test, and hope for the best.

**Screening tests do not look only at results from the blood test. They compare a number of different factors (including age, ethnicity, results from blood tests, etc…) and then estimate what a person’s chances are of having an abnormality. These tests DO NOT diagnose a problem; they only signal that further testing should be done.**

I have adopted a no stress policy. I am not going to worry about things until 1. I have to make a decision about them and 2. I am not going to worry about them after that unless I have to.

I didn’t really understand what ‘nesting’ meant, but apparently I am doing it. We are clearing out our 2nd bedroom to make way for baby furniture, and the like. My Mother-in-Law gave us our first baby gift–a stuffed Giraffe. It is adorable, and I treasure it already.

I am getting more excited about being pregnant, and feel like I am starting to bond with my baby. I cant wait to find out the sex!

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Happy Holidays

Ahh, the holiday season–such a happy, generous time of year. I am looking forward to making the 3 hour trek (without traffic) this evening up I5 to our families home town.

We shall return on Tuesday. Until then, have a happy and safe holiday.

The joy of detachment

I had forgotten how much I like my line of work. I left the comforts of my cozy office, and ventured downtown to conduct an on-site training at a clients office. My goal was to train them on how to use our software in a real environment (using real loan data and not a training file). In addition to training them on our software, I was lucky enough to be able to impart some of my own experience into the training.

This client is new to this part of the industry and doesn’t have too much experience with the banking side of the biz. It was excited and invigorated to be able to be in the mix again. it has been about 6 months since I was involved with the operational side of the mortgage biz, and i forgot how much I enjoyed it.

I don’t miss the stress, the deadlines, or the loan officers…but I miss the decisions and the day to day. I miss being needed.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my current position and would never consider going back to trenches (stress, sleepless nights, anxiety, and problems), but similar to other peoples children-the fun is you get to give them back. As such, when training on-site…I am able to get into the thick of it, and at the end of the day I leave and never worry about it again. They on the other hand have to clean up the mess and worry about the outcome. I simply move on to another client.

The joy of detachment.

Alternative lifestyle…

What an exciting, transitory time my body and mind are going through. I think I am finally allowing myself to be excited about being pregnant. I am starting to look forward to and allow all of the changes-emotional, physical, lifestyle, personal.

The first and most immediate change is my pant size. I am getting very uncomfortable in my regular clothes. My belly is growing, and challenging my waistband. In the AM everything is normal sized…then as the day wears on–something changes. My clothes morph and start turning on me. They become their alter ego and take on a life of their own. They get smaller as the day wears on (i thought this only happened when they were hanging in my closet!!!).

I need to start thinking about an alternative.

A realization alas!

I don’t immediately have a bond or attachment to my baby. I am intermittently excited and nervous. In fact sometimes I feel weird calling it ‘my’ baby. It sounds weird just yet. I feel somehow like I am not deserving of this wonderful being, like I am pretending to be someone else, a poser. Like I am not worthy of being a mother yet.

I am aware of my detachment and fear, and think about it often. Wondering if it some sign or glimpse into the future of the parent I will become. I worry about becoming a mother. Will I be able to stop being so selfish, so self absorbed…so me? Will my husband still have time for my needy nature when the baby comes, or will his emotional bank account be drained and empty? Will I be able to love unconditionally? Will I be able to let go of my own insecurity and fear of vulnerability to express my feelings and emotions to my child?

While I worry about these things, things that will in time become know to me. My belly is growing slowly, my love for my baby is slowing growing, and my attachment to this being inside of me slowly, cautiously moves forward. Still fearful that s/he could change its mind about me, bring all of my doubts to fruition, and cease to exist.

Perhaps I am afraid to love and lose. Ahh, a realization alas. For that I am grateful.

Friendship

Friendship is a curious thing. Ideally it is unconditional. And occasionally it actually is.

My most recent exchange with friendship was over the Thanksgiving holiday. My husband and I were looking forward to this trip for months. We planned it over and over in our heads, recounted past years with salivating mouths (the food is wonderful) and counted the days down until our departure.

When we arrived, we enjoyed a wonderful home cooked meal made with love and a lot of spices! A lovely quiet evening by the fire, and spent a while talking and catching up.

However, over the course of weekend I suffered from terrible morning sickness, day and night. I was after all 7 weeks pregnant. We didn’t go too many places, and I was therefore left to wallow in my misery at home. I am a person that when in misery (especially) in someone else’s home, it is difficult for me to participate. I try and put on a happy face, and smile and fake it.

I could not fake it. I was miserable.

After many conversations with my husband, some anger from him towards me (rightfully so-I ruined his weekend) and a week or more of thinking it over–I sent an email to our friends apologizing for my behaviour and asking for their forgiveness (I did after all ruin their long weekend too with my sour mood).

What I got in return was an nice supportive email letting me know that I can talk to them, and next time to share my feelings while I am there.

Hmm, if only they knew that I was miserable from morning sickness. Oh, wait…they did.

A testament to life

A new plant moved into our offices. I think its a corn plant. It doesn’t matter the type of plant (unless you are the plant or a botanist). The point I want to share is that the plant is near death. It hasnt always been that way, it lived a long, robust life with a co-worker’s Mom, then my co-worker took charge of the plant and slowly the plant has been revolting to it’s new life. A silent revolt of course. But, none the less a revolt of the plant sort.

Its once beautiful, robust, shiny green leaves are now brown with a horrid tinge of yellow. Not to mention its limp lifeless stature. It is clearly depressed.

I asked my co-worker if the plant could come into my office to ‘visit’ with my other plants. I thought that I could bring the plant back to life, make it happy again, cheer it up. I think that might have been a mistake. I now feel responsible for the plants life, and success. I am now responsible for its eminent death. I don’t think I can bare the burden of this plants death.

Why has a plant had such a profound effect on my daily views? I am clearly to sensitive.

bloga’holic

I can’t tell you when it started, but I am addicted to reading other peoples blogs. It is like a window into their lives, a secret window. Only…it’s not a secret. They are posting only what they want you to know about them, and writing the rest in their paper diary.

It a conundrum actually for me. I feel like I am sharing in peoples secrets, like a special trusted friend. While in actuality- I am the same as all others. Random strangers who have nothing to do with their time but read about other people.

Well here is where I take my stand and start my own ramblings. I hope you enjoy this as I enjoy others.